After having had

what I consider to be bad dreams for over a month, I've started having one of my favorite dreams again.

I call it The House Dream:

I don't know as I've ever told anyone about the house dream. In it is, obviously, a house.
I'm exploring this house as if we've just moved in, we being my family as it when I was about 11.
It's fairly ordinary on the outside, other than the atrium/greenhouse on the back side. There are porches that go all the way around the house, with doors going into the atrium and back out again on the opposite side.
Inside the first floor is rather ordinary, a large kitchen at the back on the east side, dining room on the west side, family room at the front on the west and 'parlor' at the front on the east side.
A stairway leads up to the second floor from between the two front rooms, and smaller stairs lead up from both the kitchen and dining rooms.
I've explored this house numerous times over the past 38 years. The first floor is fairly constant, things such as the family room and parlor may change sides, or the front door is different, but fairly constant.
The second floor is my parent's and their rooms can only be accessed from the front stairway, or so they think. This floor never changes. The stair leads up to the hall in the center of the floor. The front room runs the breadth of the house and is their bedroom. The second room is the dressing room/closet. The third room is the toilette and the last is the bath.
The basement changes. One time it may be a simple root cellar, the next a dungeon with walls of squared rock chinked with slimey dirt and the next a laboratory straight from a horror movie.
The third floor is the childrens' bedrooms, none of which can be reached from any of the others. The hallways are on the outside of the house, so none of the childrens' bedrooms have outside windows.
The eldest get their choice, and I always choose one that actually has a window and door that looks out on the atrium.
No-one but I can see or find the fourth floor.
This is my favorite, it's a library, full of books that seem to have been there - some for centuries.
The reason I choose the room that I do is because whether I'm in my room or in the library, if I'm sitting in the window seat, everyone thinks I'm in my room, because they can't see the fourth floor.
Sometimes there is another floor between the third and fourth, and it contains rooms of curiosity, filled with collections of oddities that the former owner/original builder of the house had collected.
Sometimes I could bring a sibling to that floor, but not often.
It's nice sometimes, having something that no one else knows about.

I love this dream, because when I start having it again, things start going better and I feel as though I've slept better than I had been. I also love it for the exploration and the possibilities of what that exploration may bring. A new book, a different room, a never seen view.

Tonight I hope to go into the atrium again. It's been a while since I've done more than gaze at it from the third or fourth floor porch. Last night I saw the pool.

You (p)

wander in and out
of existence; haiku
looking for a subject

No speaking (d)

I wake up in a meadow of green grasses, heavy with grain. The flowers of late summer, nodding their heads in the afternoon sun, greet me.

Someone walks up and sits beside me. I stand and move behind him, combing his dark copper hair. I then braid it in the fashion of the local warrior, over the ears and down the back of his head. He looks up, expectantly, waiting for me to speak. I do not.

After, I lie back down and go back to sleep.

He leaves, going back to his war.

Point of no returning (p)

I reached it;
the vanishing point.
Acquaintances do that
yes, you know.

piscean (d)

can't breathe in water
discover that I'm a fish
and caught on a hook

No (p)

I don't miss you,
not one bit.
I don't care,
not one whit.
I'm not crying,
no really, I'm not.
I'm not worried,
not a little, not a lot.
There's nothing for me
that time won't take care of.
There's no one out there
and no such thing as love.

Confusion (d)

The inhabitants of the cave look warily at the newcomer. She sits at the entrance, waiting.
She isn't sure why she's there, last she remembered she was going into the building where she worked and everything went blinding white.

fiducia (p)

I lived once, I think
or perhaps that's not quite true
and I've never lived.
Never having been loved
never loving in return
only lust
had ever driven
no, never driven
me to arms
in which I could find
only trust.
There are,
out there,
arms that would trust me
to fall back into
and hold me
in trust.

The Alice Moment (d)

In a fit of pique I throw the book at the mirror and it floats through rather than breaking it.

Pity, I really wanted to break it.

Wondering, I step up and put my hand on the glass. It seems to float through as well. It doesn't feel strange, so I step up onto the vanity and through the mirror.

Looking back I see that the mirror doesn't reflect anymore, it's like a window back into my room. I put my hand on the glass, expecting it to go back through and it doesn't!

I'm beginning to feel more than a bit like Alice, so I step down from the vanity on this side and explore. It can't be my room, it's clean, neat and tidy. Going out into the hallway I decide that I like this house a lot more than the old one, so I stay.

Walls Doors Lost Windows Mirrors (d)

Walls appearing out of nowhere.

BAM

Doors springing up in front of me.

BANG

Can't find my way.

BLOCKED

Windows that don't open.

CRASH

Mirrors that don't reflect.

SMASH

WallsDoorsLostWindowsMirrors

BAMBANGBLOCKEDCRASHSMASH

Let me out of this dream!

Another maze (d)

I stand in front of the door, it opens and I pass through.
Another maze.
As I work my way through, I see that I must take the correct turn [as in all mazes] in order to make my way through.
To find the end, I must first understand the beginning.
The story of the maze is the story of mankind, life, love, understanding and acceptance.
For every wrong choice I've made in life, there's a wrong turn to take. To find the end of the maze [and perhaps the answer to my question[what IS my question?]] I must make the correct choices.
Knowing full well the incorrect choices that I've made in life, I make it almost half-way through before I take a wrong turn and reach a dead-end.
I don't know what this wrong turn means, but I make my way back to the turning and go the other way.
The choices get more and more numerous as I make my way through. I take a lot of wrong turns, not having been this way before.
Is my life becoming more complicated, or is the life of mankind?
Am I to choose the path that all must needs take in order to make it through?

I Shan't (p)

cry
nor make a scene.
I'll not do a thing
that might be deemed obscene.
I'll keep my own counsel
like Gretel with no Hansel.
Though [of course]
you are not
my brother,
I'll not dally
with any other.
Out into the world
I will go
but only because
I must;
to grow.
And when you come back,
[if you come back]
I'll be stronger
and better able
to pass the pepper
across the table.

Why (p)

Why do you bring me back
from the depths of loneliness
only to plunge me into
those icy waters again?
Why do you speak so prettily,
only to dash my heart on the rocks
at the bottom of the falls?
Why do I fall for you
over and over,
When I know
deep inside
I'll never be
your lover?

00001001 00001110 00010011 00001001 00000100 00000101 (dp)

00010100 00001000 00000101
00000010 00000101 00000001 00010101 00010100 00011001
00010100 00001000 00000001 00010100
00011001 00001111 00010101
00010011 00000101 00000101 00001011
00001001 00010011
00001001 00001110 00010011 00001001 00000100 00000101

Knowing (p)

Knowing that I need you more than you need me,
if I were to close the book,
would you notice it?
Knowing that I want you more than you want me,
if I were to walk away,
would you notice it?

I think [maybe] after a few days
you'd scratch your head
and wonder where the last year [and a half]
had gotten.

The Choice (p)

I had a choice to make.
I chose you
over money,
over status,
over a comfortable life
where I'd be taken care of.
I chose you
because you
excite my mind;
you make me think
you take me to places that even I couldn't imagine.
I chose you
because;



because I chose you.

Machu Picchu (d)

I'm a servant to a priestess, carrying water for her bath and arranging her hair. It seems to be late spring and we are readying for the festival of the sun.
I cook for her, as I am the only servant trusted to create the dishes she must eat before the ceremony.

A dish consisting of monkey, [!] some grain that turns a bright orange when ground and mixed with the blood of the monkey, a red vegetable, kind of like tomatoes and small green peppers that are quite hot. I felt sorry for the monkey, but I was determined that the priestess should have the best possible feast.

Another dish of a fruit and some leaves from a tree. The fruit is mixed with a syrup, some more of the ground grain and wrapped in the leaves, then placed between flat rocks in the fire.

The water that she drinks has to be filtered through layers of cloth woven from her hair.

A Cat's Life (dp)

You pounce
through tall grass
in the field,
chasing butterflies
and grasshoppers
and motes.
You fish in the pond
at the bottom of the hill
and bring me a treasure
to brighten my day.
Sitting on my lap
you fade to gray
and then you're gone
away, away.

I meant what I said (p)

Yes I know, I'm easy,
but I won't do that.
I thought you understood,
I thought you knew.
I thought you had some
vague idea
of how I feel about you.
I felt you knew
that I was growing too,
and that I wasn't going to be the giver
all the time
anymore.
I said what I meant
and
I meant what I said;
giving for giving
else I'll be dead


to you.

This one woke me up. (d)

It was a sound from my computer. Odd because the sound no longer exists [on my computer, at least]. The sound was my voice, saying your name, with an exclamation.

In the dream, I heard the sound, looked up from my book and saw your old screen name on my buddy list. Not just saw it, but in detail.

The font was red, outlined in black, lower case, all one word. It was the old LED font. It literally pulsated for a second, then faded away.

And then it was gone.

I told myself: "I don't have that name on my buddy list, wth is going on here?".

and I woke up.

I told myself (d)

before I went to sleep, that I would know that I was 'in' a dream.

So I dreamed.

I dreamed about dreaming and in the dream I knew I was in a dream.

The thing is, other than that, I don't remember what the dream was about, much.

City, desert, mountains, water. People, lack of people, animals. Trees, water, rocks.

Just like the stereo-type 'life flashing before one's eyes' bit, but it wasn't my life.

A. I'm not male. (I was in the dream)
B. I've never been to most of the places I saw.

Okay, okay, maybe I do remember more than I thought at first.

Interesting. I wonder whose life that was?

a dark and stormy (d)

It's a dark and stormy night.
I'm in a strange house, there are no lights on and I can't find a light switch. I find a candle, but have no matches! Fumbling around I find a lighter, light the candle and move to the next room.
There is an old wind-up phonograph and a stack of 78 records beside it. Looking on the turntable I see a record already there. I can't read the name, so I turn the crank and set the needle on the record.
I don't recognize the song, but the voice is unmistakably Enrico Caruso. Surprisingly the sound is good, so I let it play on as I explore this room, a library.
Finding an oil lamp I light it and the surroundings get a bit less oppressive. The room is really quite large, the lamp light doesn't reach the ceiling. Bookcases line the walls, floor to ceiling. The books all look very old.
I take one down and as I open it, it crumbles in my hands. Sad to have all this literature at my hands and to be unable to touch it, I sit in the dusty armchair and cry.

Extra Lonely

It's extra lonely in my life right now,
if only you hadn't told me that I was;
(lonely, that is.)
then now I'd just be back in 'bama
waiting for some miracle to fix my car.

I wish you'd get back to your perch,
directing the fiber of the universe
and letting me know when I'm terribly
wrong about something.

Selfish, I know;
I am.

But all of my sunshines are
absent;
and you're the one with
the largest vocabulary.

My Companion (d)

You decide that I need a companion on my trip so you show up at the airport and IM me to come and pick you up on my way out of town.
For some reason I do and our trip cross country is filled with adventures and mishaps that we laugh about when we're old.

Words of Wisdom (p)

For Aaron, on your graduation:

Words of Wisdom from Me:

Practice writing left-handed
at least once a week.
(trust me)
Never pass up an opportunity to
watch a sunset or a sunrise.
When you're feeling down,
get a bottle of bubbles
and blow away your blues.
Always love with your
entire heart,
but never
give it away
without being certain
it's going to a good
home.

lone (p)

alone;
one;
just
me.
I'd thought that when I would live alone,
I would at least
have the
cat.

she loved water that much - a ramble

She hated to have her picture taken and would never look at the camera.
You could get a profile but never, ever a full face shot.
She wouldn't drink still water until near the end.
Water was her favorite toy, if there was a body of water around, she'd find it.
She used to [in much younger days] jump in to the bath or shower with me, she loved water that much.
When we lived on the island in Lake Champlain, she would jump in and out of the rowboat until someone took her out into the bay, at which point she'd jump out and swim back in.
She made friends with the beavers there.
She tamed a pit bull.
She killed a racoon.
She was a mighty huntress and would leave prizes on the doorstep.
She never bothered the chickens or guinea hens, but let a weasel around and she would face it down.
She did kill songbirds and suffered for it once, contracting songbird fever. She left them alone after that.
She wouldn't stay outside if the coyotes were around though.
She was smart.
She didn't miaow very loud, just a tiny noise to let me know she was there, but her growl scared most people until they realised it was her.
She was never 'just a cat', she was Kiki, the mistress of all she surveyed.
She lived in 5 different states and has died in the same one she was born in.
She liked sitting on my lap while I was reading, purring like her engine was stuck.
She never did eat a mouse, however lizards were another matter.
When I was sick [which has been a lot since the Lyme disease] she would lay right next to me until I was better.

I wish I could have done the same for her.

Initialtive (p)

I am not the sum total of what others make me to be;
they see what they want to see.
Let us not mistake this life
for a break
from death,
for that would be
[for you and me]
the end.
Only ever losing,
we walk away
from the choosing
and in choosing the losing
something is lost.
Very likely we will end in this world alone.
Even in each other's arms, death is lonely.
Yes, there is a chance, many in life.
Overlooked often, only outcome one.
Under the rocks, over the treetops; we search throughout this world,
for someone with whom we can share our pain.

TMUtB (d)

Being chased by the monster from under the bed, we hide in the one place it won't look; under the bed. We make friends with the dust bunny and he tells us how to conquer the monster. We leave a glass of milk and a burrito beside the bed and the monster eats and goes away forever!

Nickers (d)

In the maze I follow the twists and turns, guided by the nickering of a horse. A few dead ends later I find myself at the center of the maze and the horse is there.
It's Nickers! I tell her that I thought she was dead. She tells me that she is, outside of the maze, but that she can help me get out of it.
I get on her back and tangle my fingers in her mane, she carries me to the exit and we sadly say goodbye again.

Dreaming in cartoons (d)

is quite entertaining.

I'm in the hundred-acre wood, searching for my point. Winnie the Pooh, Tigger, Piglet, Rabbit and Owl seem to be hiding it from me. Arrow [the dog] is helping me search, but gets side-tracked chasing after Rabbit.

For some reason you appear and tell me my point isn't here, that the search will be fruitless until I'm in the correct scenario. You do talk funny as a cartoon.

Back in Colorado! (d)

We all meet at the bar and play trivia. Our team wins t-shirts and drinks! After trivia we go to Pete's and have huevos rancheros to die for.
A few of us decide to go to Lookout Point to watch the sunrise We sit under a tree, discussing how beautiful this land is and how terrible it is that we've allowed the gr'ups to ruin it for everyone else.

Heaven (d)

On a sailboat in the tropics; we are island hopping, looking for the perfect place to set up our library.

Choices (d)

Standing at the entrance to the maze, I look at my options.
I can opt not to even enter, which will then send me on the safest path to a life of complete obscurity.
I can follow the path from the entrance, to the middle and out the opposite side, which may or may not bring me fame and fortune.
Or...
I can choose another entrance, they're all right there in front of me, though the outcome of these options isn't as clear.
What do I want?
Should I go on in obscurity, safe in the knowledge that no claims will be made?
Should I go for the fame and fortune? Not likely at this stage.
Should I take door number three, four, or two?
Looking further down the [hallway?] path, I see three more doors.
How can all these doors lead to different outcomes?
Isn't everything pre-destined and no matter my choice? It's all going to end in death anyway.
Door number five, six or seven?
I sit on the opposite side of the [hallway?] path, looking at the doors.
If all I do is sit here, I'll never know.
Closing my eyes for a few seconds I decide to flip a coin.
When I open my eyes, the [hallway?] path is now a circular room and the doors are all around me.
I turn in circles, spinning, spinning, spinning. When I fall down, I am facing door number seven.
I choose this door and go through.

the Lock (d)

I stand at the Door, key in hand. Lightning has struck the house above us and we can hear it burning, falling in on itself. I place the key in the lock. Silence falls and the only sound is the click and tumble of the lock as I turn the Key.

The Door (d)

There's a huge storm, lots of thunder and lightning strikes close by. Houses are hit, seemingly at random, and they explode around us. We all go into the storm cellar to wait it out.
Luckily it's a really big storm cellar. A Door at the back is locked and I have the key. I won't allow anyone to go in. The cellar around the Door is natural rock, the house having been built into the side of the hill.
What's behind the Door?
Only I know, and now is not the time to explore.

When (p)

When she loses him
(for however short a time)
she loses more than he
knows.
The clouds cover the sun
the air becomes cold
and thick
she cannot breathe
without him.
How can he think
that anyone else
(whom she may or may not adore)
could mean more
to her
than he?
She (again)
hands to him
her heart.
He doesn't have to love it;
just don't lose it.
keep it close
it will, in time,
beat as one
with his
for after
ever.

Me, a superhero? (d)

The world around me crumbles as I am chosen to stop the entropy. Putting on my superhero cape I fly all over and see that the death of a few million stupid people could only help, so I work to save the animals, moving them to safe spots. I then save the four people who mean anything to me and let the rest fend for themselves.
Assuring all of you that you are safe I fall into a deep sleep and dream of a cleaner, happier world. When I awaken you have all become acquainted and seem to be getting along, despite earlier distrust of each other.
She asks if we are the last people. I tell her no, there are others. She wants to go find them. I tell her that it is now a truly free world and she can do as she chooses.
One by one you all leave my mountain fortress and I am content that, one by one, you will all be back, eventually.

In the camp of the gypsy queen (d)

In the woods, looking for a place to sleep that will be warm and dry, I happen upon a group of gypsies. They have food and a warm dry place for me. We eat and then the music starts.
Someone has a balalika, someone else an accordian and another a violin. There are percussion instruments and I am handed a tambourine. We play, sing and dance for hours, until the full moon comes up.
The old gypsy gets up and goes into her wagon, beckoning me to follow, which I do. She reads my tea leaves. My fortune is not all good, not all bad and she says I will find that which I am looking for. At that she gives me a blanket and a pillow, telling me to sleep.
In the morning I wake up and the gypsies are gone. I am on the cold hard ground, covered with the blanket the old gypsy gave me. I am sad because I wanted to travel with them.

3D (d)

Drawing a cave in 3D and making a virtual tour of it.

Alone (d)

Feeling trapped, I leave for a new place, where I know no one and no one wants to know me.
I live in the peace and quiet of my new life, not speaking to anyone unless they speak first. I read a lot of books, do a lot of drawing and painting. I try my hand at writing again and get a book published.
I miss someone, but I know he will not contact me again, not after the fight we had when I left the place I was before.
I am lonely.

Rockercoaster, Rollingchair (p)

I just don't know
if I can take
the rollercoaster ride
that is you.
The ups, the downs,
the round and rounds,
the whirlycues
and curlygigs.
The lurching stomach,
the wrenching of mind
p
l
u
m
m
e
t
i
n
g
from the heights
of the wildside ride.
Then there's the slow creeping
back up to the top.
The sudden emergence
from whereabouts unknown
is almost as frightening as the
the disappearence.
Whether lost in the game
or the presence of someone else,
you scare me.
But what scares me more,
is thought of
my world
with no
you.

And I lose (d)

We meet and have a long talk. You tell me that while you like me, you just don't or can't love me or anyone.
I swallow hard to keep from crying and say that I understand, that the friendship is more important than my imagined life together with you. I stutter and lisp my way through the understanding speach, something I work really hard not to do, but I just can't help myself.
I get up, spilling my coffee on myself and then I leave. You sit there staring after me.
I walk along the street, it's familiar, but I can't place the city. I see a wooded area and slip into it, into the one place I've ever felt at home. I'm hurting and I don't want anyone to see me ever again.
I cry for a long time, sitting under a willow tree by a brook.
I realise that it's time for me to get to the airport so I leave.

Castles (d)

castles in dreams


I dreamed of castles one on a mountainside, the other across the river on a mountaintop.
They don't seem to be rivals.

I Wake Up (p)

I wake up from yet another dream of you
and know that you're not there.
I walk through yet another day alone
and wonder, who will care?
From my lonely days
and endless nights,
you once saved me.
Who will save me now?
Who will know how?
And I wake up from yet another night
of endless days
and lonely dreams.
And I wake up
and it's another day
and you're not there.

various (d)

It's her birthday and she's happy. They go out for dinner and she's serenaded by a string quartet.

The cat sees a ghost and tells me where to find it. We meet with him and are given a task so that he will be able to fade out.

I'm lost, looking for something(one) in the woods. I see a trail marked by luminous white pebbles and follow it to a pond. Someone has already disturbed the waters so I sit and watch the ripples.

You take me home and we make sopapillas with honey. You lick the honey off my fingers.

Power and Majicks (d)

I feel as though someone is deceiving me, but I can't tell who it is. I try to find out by asking questions of everyone I meet; all I get are non-commital responses. One person tells me it's all my imagination, that no one would ever attempt to deceive me because my powers would reveal them as a liar.

I withdraw from society, studying powers and majicks. I shun all attempts at contact from the outside. My cat is with me. We live in a cottage deep in the forest.

Eventually everyone forgets me and I am ready to go back, my powers strong.

Moving again? (d)

Driving the moving van cross country. Not certain, was it Denver or Needles? Where am I moving this time?
I stop to ask the waitress at the truckstop. She seems to be the Oracle and tells me that I'm heading in the wrong direction, turn around, go back, you don't want to be there.

The cat (dp)

she sits
ignoring the motes
dancing about her head
in a shaft of sunlight

Shadows of the Keep (d)

In the keep I can just see the top of the moon over the ramparts. It sits a few degrees above the horizon, casting a cold light over the castle. The shadows in the keep are inhabited by the terrors of the night, terrors I must pass in order to get into the main hall.
A weathered knight comes to me, offering his protection, I ask what the cost of this protection would be. He tells me his protection is offered freely and turns, hurt by my mistrust. I reach out for his arm and he vanishes.
Having information for the princess I still have to get into the main hall and so I step into the velvety blackness of the first shadow.
My spells do not work against the first terror and I am forced back into the cold light of the moon.
Again the knight comes to me. This time I accept his offer of help and we set forth through the shadows, fighting the terrors one by one as we make our way to the main hall and the princess.
Overjoyed at the news I have relayed to her about her parents, the princess gives me a gift.
I leave, the knight follows me. We camp beside the lake.

Digging out (d)

I have nothing with which to get myself out of the hole I'm in, I can see no way out. I look up and see a face, smiling down on me, then it goes away.
I sit thinking, taking stock in my surroundings. There are rocks and the walls of the hole are dirt and more rocks. If I pull rocks out of the walls of the hole, the dirt may soon cover me or the hole may cave in. If I carefully pile the rocks and dirt and pack it down, I may get out. But the hole may still cave in on me.
It's a chance I have to take, I must get back into the sunshine.

Part the last: (p)

The story is written,
the tales all told,
the wonder has ceased,
the air grows cold.
An absence of feeling
washes the mind,
the absence of meaning
evokes nothing in kind.
Age is an illusion,
youth as well.
Tell it to your grandchildren
from your lofty perch in hell.

Part the second: (p)

Love: illusion grandest,
flee my sight.
Bother me not with promises,
tell me your story naught.
Get thee away from me,
for you are nothing;
vain glory.

Illusion: part the first (p)

Do not believe
in the illusion
of life, nor love.
Take only what you can use
leave the rest,
for to not take more than you need,
is the only test.

More Elephants (d)

The biggest elephant I've ever seen comes up to the dock. Everyone runs except for you. I run, then turn to see why you're not with me. You're feeding the elephant some alfalfa and he likes it.
Later on the elephant picks me up in his trunk and you tell him to put me down because I'm not a toy.
The dream is all colored wrong, like a kid's coloring book, where the kid only had 8 colors of crayons.

motes and music (dp)

Sunshine, gilding the motes
of dust, drifting
lazy afternoon.
Music, wound up
the steel needle tracing
the path
of scratchy voices
from the past.

prisoner (d)

I'm in prison, though they think they're treating me well, I'm very unhappy.

3 dreams (d)

Riding atop a three-decker bus in a large city.
Everyone's naked, even me!
I'm not embarrassed, but I can't tell the boys from the girls because everyone has large breasts and penises.

At the shore of a lake surrounded by lush forest, I shed my clothes and swim to the raft.

On the southwest side of a mountain, more lush forest, I find an opening and fall in. After the fall I land in a soft bed and you're there, laughing at me.
You feed me salsa and rice, then we go exploring.

Catching up:

From 03/05/05:

I'm alone, which what I've always wanted, but now that I am, I don't want to be. It's very peaceful, something I'm not used to. The silence weighs down on me until I'm nervously whistling as I walk along the seashore.


Last night:

I'm at Mardi Gras, then Carnaval, then Cinco de Mayo. I don't travel between, I'm just there. I watch the people having fun and wonder when my turn will come.

damn you

I can't do this anymore
I can't go on like this
I don't want to shrug it off
As just another phase.
If I have to fight
to get you back...




oh well,
nevermind,
no point in fighting
for something that was never mine.


But I would.
Fight that is.
If you ever had been.

dreams last night

I leave because I'm no longer wanted or needed. I'm no longer wanted or needed because I leave.
This confuses me no end.
I go before the council and ask if I should have stayed.
They tell me that I know the answer and that my future lies in the knowing.
I throw up my hands and walk away, as I am tiring of riddles and who knows what the future will bring...
Another dream:
Music is the constant. All music must be played and listened to. If there is no music, there is no coupling.
I desperately want to couple with one man and he will not listen to music, though he appears to want to couple with me.

Tales of wand'ring (dp)

I wrote a book,
a tale of fright;
of wand'ring caves,
in black of night.
There were great and terrible
monsters creeping
but I'm not scared,
I'm just sleeping.
We turn a corner
and before our eyes
we behold
a wond'rous prize.
A feast of plenty
mashed potatoes and cakes
a great roasted beast
cut up into steaks.
We eat and eat
'til we can hold no more
then fall asleep
beside the door.

I won't (p)

I won't tell you again
that I'm lonely and I miss you.
I won't tell you (not once)
that I dream of when I might kiss you.
I won't tell you,
I won't, I just won't.
I'll not hint that I even deign to care
I shan't shower you with gifts from here and from there.
I'll not agree with a thing that you say
and I'll not sit in your lap for hours each day.
My corner is over there
and I in my corner
shall sit in my chair.
I'm not waiting,
I'm not looking,
I'm probably just sitting,
not thinking about cooking
a feast to celebrate
your return
from elsewhere.

because familiarity breeds a fonder heart
and contempt is borne of absence

Circus (d)

There's a circus, they need a new elephant handler and they choose someone else, not me.
The bull elephant comes over to me and will not go to the person the circus owners chose. They apologize to that person and I get the job.
The elephant asks me if I'd like to go for a ride. I say 'Yes, please' and he picks me up and sets me on his back. We wander around the world for a while then go back to the circus just in time for the show.
He's a magical elephant. He tells me his real name. All I have to do is whisper it and he will appear. He likes to eat young shoots of a certain plant that only grows in the area around the great river.
There are bad men who try to take the magical elephant away from me. He stomps them with his huge feet and kills them all.
I am hurt in the fight and he carries me to the great river. He feeds me the shoots of the plant and bathes me in the water. I get better.
We leave the circus and wander about the world, visiting all the places we'd always wanted to see. We are happy with each other and live a great many years together in this manner.

One (p)

one lonely body
adrift
in the space
between
the beat of the music
all that is
one lonely body
waiting
in the space
between

(inspired by a recent re-read)

sometimes

I don't get to write my dreams down as soon as I wake up. Sadly, I lose a lot of them that way.

fog (dp)

A walk in the fog
droplets cling
to lips,
fingertips.

A ghostly shadow
passes,
out of vision
a lost soul
walking
in fog.

foggy dream(d)

Walking in a forest, lushly green, I encounter a wall of fog. Do I go in? Do I turn around and go back? Decisions, decisions.
I proceed, the fog so thick I can feel it condensing on my face. Out of the corner of my eye I see shadows, fleeting wisps of others, none of them see me.
The fog does not seem to end. All sound is deadened, even my own careful footsteps.
The fog thins, I can see shapes, trees, rocks, all wet with foggy dew, dripping.
I hear a bird, a squirrel chatters at an unseen intruder.
Here is a small pond, the fog seems to emanate from it, thickening as it rises and spreads out across the forest.
I sit on a rock near the pond, noting the lichen and I wait.

Early Morning Sounds (p)

The early morning sounds of the city;
a bus, stopping to pick up people
in a hurry, but not too much
all to get to the other side
of the street.
The birds, conversing,
telling tales of travels, travails
of a wintering
in Boca Raton
or Baton Rouge.
The happy shouts of children
free of the
harness of school
so cool.
Morning done;
here but one,
am I
alone.

home again (d)

I dreamt that I went to the City of Gold...

Actually I dreamt that I was in Vermont, 4th of July. I was 11, we were at the carnival in Morrisville and the fireworks were about to start. I had cotton candy and was happy.

untitled (d)

Sleepwalking through life,
past the lonely park,
a dream escapes.
Such is the palette
with which life is colored.

forced dream (dp)

Eros in his glory
sent to me a story
of love sublime
and merry rhyme
which made me oh so sorry
that it was just a dream.

Patience (p)

Patience, a virtue,
which encumbers not my life,
has left the building.

another dream (d)

I wrote our names in old chinese characters
yours in indigo on cream colored parchment
mine in green on pale blue silk

words (d)

entire sentences seen
you tell me of your purchases
and that you are dripping wet from the rain
your name changes as you get new spam

songtitle dream (d)

When you lie next to me
I know you by heart
More than words
Don't be cruel
After the lights go down
Mighty girl
Someone to watch over me
What are you doing for the rest of your life
South by sail
All I ask of you
The music of the night
Midnight without you
White silence
Poem without words
Silent prayer
Sehnsucht
Moonlight in Vermont
Arizona skies
First light on Ayer's rock
Sunshine of your love
You are my sunshine
I love you [period]

snippets here and there (d)

a whirlwind world tour - faces, smiling past me (invisible me) at the person behind me
I find a note left for me in Nepal
there's a group of people discussing the day's news over coffee at a sidewalk cafe
a dog sniffs my hand and licks it
my car breaks down, numerous times, in different locales - the weather however is always perfect
a walk down a shaded lane, holding his hand [this is part of another dream I have too often, and I was happy that it was just a snip of it]
pain in my left shoulder unbearable, I cry

Do you hear me? (p)

I call out in the dark
a name, ever never
in my mind, on my tongue
from my heart;
a cry in the
small hours.
I wake and beside me
is empty space where
never ever
you were, you are
only in my mind(less dreams)
always ever in my dreams
You do not hear me
and come not to my call
and my comfort.

The lie

Love is a lie our heart tells us,
to teach us what lonely means.

Come in to my nightmare (dp)

Blood everywhere.
The smell, sickening.
Taste it in the air,
metallic.
Feel it, sticky,
stinking,
icky.
Run, run, run away!
The meadow;
the flowers
all red.
Like blood.
The river flows,
you can't get away
from the blood.

A Token (p)

I heard a thought,
outside my door,
and wondering, went to see
if perhaps a robin,
in early return,
had been thinking of looking for me.
The sun was there,
outside my door,
brilliant rays warming the steps
upon which I found
a feather of red,
a token of what may someday be.

Seussian dream hell (dp)

(Or: How that Cat in the Hat invaded my dream)

I miss you;
but wander I won't.
I kiss you
and ponder
I don't; on poems
from old books sent
by friends
with whom looks have
never been traded.

In other news
the dreams of a muse
have me dreaming in
seussian rhyme.
Escape, I cannot!
For fear of a thought
leaves me feeling
much less than sublime.

Limericks of Love (p)

I wrote you a verse for Valentine's Day,
then crushed the paper and tossed it away.
I don't love you more, I can't love you less,
a day is a day, no matter the mess
the greeting card fools have made out of it.
To tell you the truth, I feel like a twit
and limericks of love are not meant for us
just know that I do, and don't make a fuss.

Valentine's day massacre (d)

Walking through a town I don't recognize, but it's familiar. I'm looking for something/someone.
Now I'm going to take someone on a tour of the high-security facility, but they won't let me in because I'm wearing shorts and have no shoes on. My t-shirt is unacceptable for the words written on it.
Sitting outside the heavy doors of the mountain that looks like a stegosaurus [from Denver]. There's a blast and everything melts away except the mountain, the door and me.

Now in the desert a flower blooms, each petal slowly unfurls until the flower is fully open. It greets the morning sun with a reflection of its setting.

nap dream (d)

I was very sick and you were taking care of me, feeding me chicken soup and taking my temperature, making sure I was warm and making me drink lots of juice.
All of a sudden it wasn't you anymore, but him, and he just wanted me to sign papers, even though he could see that I was burning up with fever. He faded away and you came back with a cool cloth for my head.

alone - finally (d)

In a desperate effort to regain self-conciousness I leave everything behind and follow a stranger to an island. It's warm and sunny most days. He lives on the north side of the island, I choose a mountain in the center, the west side. We communicate with notes left where the other will find them. The island changes and becomes a continent, then again to become a planet. He is gone and I'm on my own, alone on the planet that used to be a warm island.
I am alone, feeling that my god has left me. Without guidance I wallow in self-pity for a while then come to my senses, realizing that there never was a stranger, he was a projection of my own making. The human need for contact with others slowly melts away and I learn to live on my own and find out that happiness is just a word for societal gain.

Wonder, Wander (p)

Wonder and wander,
but not far from the teaching.
Search for truth
but seem to be reaching.
For what, not known
what's needed is found.
So far out of reach
from here on the ground.

food for thought (d)

hunger, incessant;
invades every thought.
dreaming of dreaming
of food.
crisp-skinned duck,
new-born spears of green,
a yeasty loaf
butter, made fresh
from the cream,
from the cow;
milked that morning.
a bowl of berries,
red, black, blue and green.
beef, roasted rare
with horseradish
fresh-ground
so hot, so good
peas, cooked in a bowl of lettuce.
corn roasted
mountains of mashed potatoes
and gravy
turkey and stuffing and blue hubbard squash,
boiled and mashed with
lots of fresh butter and ground pepper.
more mountains of mashed potatoes
and gravy.
pies of fruit
rhubarb, apple, peach
custardy pies
chess and pecan
and coffee
rich, dark, creamy.

Fragged (d)

I'm writing left-handed, my notes are readable.
I write over and over; "I want out, help me".
There's a merry-go-round and the music is off-key, the animals are wrong.
A cave; an entrance to another world.
Kiki is fading, not dying, just fading. She's not the color of black coffee anymore.
Back to the cave, I pick up a small, smooth rock and put it in your pocket for safe-keeping.
You smile at me and reach out to take my hand. I disappear and you are left alone, looking for me.

Midnight confession to a god of improbable purity (p)

(based on music heard in a dream)

Once confessed
probability flies
out the window
to ears;
repeated fabrication.

Words are power.
More than words;
redundancy.

A picture
a thousand words
a song sung
green.

Practice makes
purity.
An improbable god
does (not)
practice
preached.

What confession,
what lies!
What god?

Denial
is a river
and there is
no paddle.

soaked in tequila (dp)

dancing on rooftops of
pueblos in smoke from a bonfire
where marshmallows are roasted
by children on sticks of petrified wood
the music is drums
and flutes of
varying sizes and tone
tequila-soaked pepper rings
laced
with thin strips of candied lime rind
a dessert for the deserted in the
desert
eating one leads to another
and another
and a kiss
laced
with the taste
of tequila-soaked lime rind
and thin strips of candied pepper rings

forgive (d)

We're going shopping and there's this thing that you think I did, and you don't like me for it. I prove I didn't do it then you seem to like me again.

detail:

we're staying at a hospice in winooski
everyone piles into the mini-van to go to the grocery
but I can't because there isn't enough room
I want a cigarette, and I have some, but I don't smoke, I throw them away and walk down the hill
everyone gets back and empties the groceries out of the van
you won't talk to me at all - I ask why - you show me the crumpled pack of smokes you'd seen me throw away - you're very, very angry
I tell you how old they are, and that the point was that I had NOT smoked them - I'd kept them because as long as I had the last few in that pack, I wouldn't buy a fresh one, which I would smoke
you finally come around to my way of seeing it and agree

for some reason everyone - except you - is wearing a transparent plastic kind of outfit - not everyone has underwear on - it doesn't bother anyone except me, and you think the green and blue outfit I put on is cute
we are all waiting to go out for the evening, standing in front of the van listening to music

dark (dp)

a cave, dark
damp
water, heavy with minerals
drip, drip, drips
a slight breeze urges me on
toward the way out
I fight the urging
go into the depths
of the darkness

camping (d)

We were going camping, then you kidnapped me and took me away. Then I was talking to your mother while helping to prepare dinner. You did not want me to talk to her while you weren't there.

the prom? (d)

a party of strangers
it's my 30-year reunion
I know everyone, but they've all changed and I'm still the strange one with the band-aid
for some reason I am not able to talk to my friends, but I can talk to the preps
everyone is in evening dress, like the prom
I wear jeans, like the prom
I have cameras
they send me away because I wear jeans
this time I leave a camera behind so they can have pictures in the yearbook

bliss (p)

I lived once, then I died
or perhaps that's not quite true
and I've never lived.
Never having been loved
never loving in return
only lust
only lust
had ever driven
no, never driven
me to arms
in which I could find
only trust
only trust.
There are,
out there,
arms that would trust me
to fall back into
and hold me
in bliss.

water dreams (d)

Two dreams, both about water.

1. There are a lot of people, all of whom I know peripherally. We're at some party/gathering in a time-share/mansion so we all go off to claim a bedroom. I find the master suite and am pleased so I claim it. I go into what I believe to be the bathroom. The room is bigger than the rest of the suite with glass block floors and niches. The walls and ceiling are made of coral the windows are also glass block.
There is a barrier of plastic strips, like you would see in a freezer or cooler. I step through and music comes on, the water on the floor is up past my knees and is warm. Then water starts spraying out of the walls and ceiling. Fountains start randomly all over the floor. There is a large niche with a spa and a waterfall.
I run out and start calling the girls to come and see what I found. They all gather at the door and I tell them to be ready.
The guys start gathering as well, I tell them that they can't go in yet. The girls all go in through the barrier and we play in the water for a while as the guys look in. Then I strip and someone who wasn't in the original party comes in, picks me up and carries me out. Everyone else disappears.
We're back in the shower room, sitting on the steps to the spa in the spray of the waterfall.
Dream ends, I wake up.

2. Swimming in a lake surrounded by desert. Alone but not sad. This is my place and I don't feel a need to share it.
The sun is high and warms me when I leave the lake to sit on a rock.
Dream ends.

it hurts (dp)

feeling lost
no guidance
wandering with no signposts
life with no music
inspiration
gone
listless
no
love

the abstract life (p)

Weaving in and out
light paints the face
of a promise of faith,
unwavering.
In sight of temptation
shadows obscure
dappling vision,
but holding sure
the faith wavers not.
Tripping in and out
of this life and that
being now here, now there
and then nowhere
the promise of promise holds
one to another.

Silence (dp)

Silence speaks volumes
when you know why.
Silence is deafening
and can cause pain.
Silence can kill
........

Nothing (p)

Nothing right, nothing wrong.
Nothing left, nothing gone.
Nothing ahead, nothing behind.
When you're not here
all that there is, is nothing.

I saw a word (d)

I dreamed that I received a package in the mail.
I could clearly read my name and address.
There was no return address but on the back there was a word. I have no idea who rusmoinger is but that's the word that was on the back of the FedEx envelope. Oh yeah, I did see the FedEx too.